I've been there, friend. It's a tight spot to be in, squeezing yourself into something that doesn't quite fit. It pinches your toes or gives you blisters. To use a sailing metaphor; I've sometimes felt like life is just luffing, you know?
Isn't there a proverb about how you are not able to direct the wind, but you can adjust the sails? It makes me happy to know that you've found the joy in watching the spinnaker pull you downwind. I appreciate your vulnerability and candor. I'm looking forward to the next installment.
Alexander, such clear writing, as is always the case when it comes from a deep wellspring of truth. This articulates so very clearly, a difficult-to-name dissonance, and it does so with frankness, respect, and compassion. I understand this kid you write about. I feel for this kid you write about. I am/was a version of this kid you write about.
Thank you, Nadia, for this kind and compassionate comment. It's interesting to reflect on how much compassion I realise I was writing with. Where I sit now, I look at that version of myself with deep empathy, but obviously when I was there that was far from what I was feeling. It's nice to have gotten away from that cycle now to some extent, although it still exists within me of course. I'm glad this resonated!
"I needed to be more than what I was; that I was not enough."
That thread runs through so many of us who chased achievement to feel worthy. I recognize the elation of the validation and how quickly it drains away, asking to be earned again. What moves me is that you found your way out of it — from ambition to a boat, to knowing yourself again. That's the harder achievement, and almost the only one that stays.
Oof, this hit me hard. In a way it is comforting to know that I am not the only who continued to doubt myself no matter how much I achieved. Overall, it is simply saddening that so many people experience this and then spend years trying to recover from it. I am glad that you are now in a position where you can process what happened and start to move towards a more freeing life.
Thank you so much for this comment. Hearing that others felt similarly was the comfort that really helped kickstart my journey to recovering I think, sharing is such a powerful thing. I agree, it's sad how prevalent it is, how may of us feel this way, burn out, and struggle to find contentment. Thank you for being here!
I have a mixed relationship with ambition myself. I was certainly never driven, academically, and I cruised through University on autopilot, though in part that is because I was dealing with grief. My own energies have manifested in other ways.
I watch more highly motivated people with interest, some of them close family, wondering if it will prove healthy for them, or not. The results seem highly variable. We tend to think of life as a journey, and we seize on specific ideas of what the destination looks like - academic success, business success, financial success....
It's interesting that so many people reach a point where the perceived destination suddenly appears.... either elusive, or simply unsatisfying, or both, and then they embark on a literal journey, as you did with Kismet.
So I'm curious to know what you see as your new destination, or whether the journey itself has become the destination...
Thank you for this comment Dave. This line made me stop and think:
“It's interesting that so many people reach a point where the perceived destination suddenly appears.... either elusive, or simply unsatisfying, or both, and then they embark on a literal journey, as you did with Kismet.“
I’ve started noticing this more and more too, I don’t know if I notice it because it happened to me or because more people are realising it.
To answer your question about the destination now.. I think it’s transformed to being about the journey just as you say. About the connections and experiences and doing things that bring me closer to myself, to others and to nature. Things that enrich life, without putting all the emphasis on any specific outcome, or external achievement.
I’m curious how you look at it, through your writing I get the sense that it may be similar?
Mmm, well, I would say the answer is yes. When I finished school, aged 17, I flew to the UK, worked in London for a while and then hitch hiked around Europe for the rest of my year away. It certainly gave me an early insight into the concept of journey.
I have been highly motivated at various times, but always for a specific cause. The posts listed on my Substack as "The Desert years" cover one such period, when I lived and worked with First Nation Aboriginal people in the deserts of Central Australia.
The work with my wonderful partner Meg to establish what is now our family business is another.
However, yes, I have always regarded those things as a journey, rather than as an end goal. Working and travelling and hunting with Warlpiri people in the Tanami Desert was simply fascinating, and at times arduous. The success of our business was necessary to avoid us being homeless, but rather than worry about that we just made it a fun and exciting thing to do, which motivated us to work ridiculously hard, and the success (fortunately) followed.
If the journey itself is the destination, then what counts is living in the moment, and accepting it for whatever beauty, joy or grief it may hold. The moment we are living in, and our memory of past such moments, is all we ever really have. I think/hope that this comes out in much of my writing. I would suggest this piece as an example:
Thank you so much for sharing your journeys Dave, your perspective helps me understand my own a little better as well.
It's wonderful to have a project together with someone you love where you embrace the day-to-day journey of it rather than just pushing through misery for an end goal (even if that is sometimes part of the path as well).
This rings so true now (though I didn't always see it): "If the journey itself is the destination, then what counts is living in the moment, and accepting it for whatever beauty, joy or grief it may hold. The moment we are living in, and our memory of past such moments, is all we ever really have."
And it definitely shines through your writing. Thank you!
Must have taken a lot of courage to be this vulnerable, Alexander. But can I ask something? I really hope it doesn't offend you. Do you think that deep dark void that you were trying to fill, that refrain of "never enough" you kept hearing (in a manner of speaking) is still there? I mean, if that black hole isn't filled, or you don't find an alternative fuel to "not enough"- won't you fall right back into it?
Thanks Suravi, I think it's hit me after posting more than as I was writing, but it does leave you very exposed and vulnerable. It's also nice though to be able to be open and authentic and share these experiences.
Thank you for the deeply considered question, I'm not offended at all, rather the opposite, it is probably the most interesting and important question of all.
The most honest answer (and what I hope to explore a bit in the upcoming posts) is that some of that architecture is always part of my brain, but through therapy, practice, and taking notice of it, its influence is massively reduced. It'll still flare up, even in my writing sometimes, but it is a lot quieter, and infrequent these days. Does that make sense?
I don't know if you will ultimately find that peace. But the more I tried to reduce it's influence, the more miserable I became. The more I felt I had lost my essence.
It took me years of dedicated contemplation to realise what I needed was to understand how I came to have that deep void into which I poured limitless hard work and achievement. That dark void was my fuel. It took a lot of work to change the fuel type & then re-ignite my drive, focus, and love of achieving something difficult. Which made me feel a lot more like myself.
No idea if this is any use to you. But sometimes other people's words can become a vessel for our thoughts to distill into clarity.
This is a really valuable perspective, and I also recognise that lack of fuel making me feel without essence, that was how I felt for several years after leaving academia.
I really like the analogy of alternate fuel types though, and that’s where have landed now as well I think. I don’t know if I can exactly describe what the new fuel is, curiosity and wonder maybe? But I now feel like I can enjoy my ambition to do hard things like sailing, writing, boat maintenance powered by a fuel of curiosity and not to prove myself. Hopefully I’ll be able to express it a bit better in the future essays!
I relate to this so strongly (academic overachiever, people pleaser, Oxford grad, burned out/had a crisis aged 24 and had to rebuild my sense of self. Time in nature helped me a lot too!) Beautifully written - thank you for sharing this 💙
This is the magic of sharing a post like this, connecting with people who have been through similar experiences and feeling less alone in it as a consequence. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your own story!
The feeling of not being enough is something so many of us experience, yet despite the difficulties of those experiences, we're led in directions that enable us to more fully explore who we truly are and where we want to be. I used to use the term 'breakdown' until I read about positive disintegration and I knew that more fully described my path. It's a tough road to travel, but I do believe it's a road we're meant to be on. Looking forward to reading more about your journey.
Thank you, Karen. I have seen so many overlapping themes in your writing, I'm glad this resonated. I hadn't heard of positive disintegration before, but looking into it, it makes so much sense, it perfectly describes my path, and where this story is going next. It's really what I experienced at least once if not several times along the way.
"About to turn twenty, I felt like the world was at my feet and I really liked the feelings ambition gave me: the sense of importance and meaning. It felt good to fight and strive for something, an ideal, a vision – to achieve. Somewhere within me I had a certainty that that was how you became a person who could be respected, a person who deserved their place in the world."
These words take me straight back to my early twenties too. Beautifully articulated, Alexander. And my school didn't think I was smart enough to even try for Oxbridge - imagine what that did to my young ego! I feel your struggles. It has been a decades-long and messy journey for me to strip away all these external identities as well, yet what liberation lies within, and with the deep nature connection that brings us back to wholeness again. Riches beyond compare!
I'd never know you weren't English too, with your light touch and natural, poetic turn of phrase -- I admire your fluency in this complex second language. I look forward to the next instalment!
Thank you Saffron, I'm so happy this resonated. Through so many perspectives here on substack I'm realising it is a very common feeling.
It is a messy journey, but I love your word choice "liberation". That's really what it feels like on the other side. Unshackled from those pressures we (and others) put on ourselves.
Thank you for this deep, thoughtful comment, and for sharing your experience!
My pleasure! And yes, it's exactly that release of mental pressure that gives us a renewed sense of lightness, isn't it? I find it fascinating and reassuring that so many have needed and/or wanted to share their similar stories and wonderful that we've found our tiny corner of the internet here on Substack. Very special.
Thank you Erika, it's been cathartic to write about, and like you say, it's about honouring your inner being and that's what I discovered and write about in the follow up essays! Looking forward to reading your story as well!
I've been there, friend. It's a tight spot to be in, squeezing yourself into something that doesn't quite fit. It pinches your toes or gives you blisters. To use a sailing metaphor; I've sometimes felt like life is just luffing, you know?
Isn't there a proverb about how you are not able to direct the wind, but you can adjust the sails? It makes me happy to know that you've found the joy in watching the spinnaker pull you downwind. I appreciate your vulnerability and candor. I'm looking forward to the next installment.
Thank you for such a thoughtful, kind comment. And excellent sailing metaphors, I realise I haven’t perhaps used as many as I should have myself!
Alexander, such clear writing, as is always the case when it comes from a deep wellspring of truth. This articulates so very clearly, a difficult-to-name dissonance, and it does so with frankness, respect, and compassion. I understand this kid you write about. I feel for this kid you write about. I am/was a version of this kid you write about.
Thank you, Nadia, for this kind and compassionate comment. It's interesting to reflect on how much compassion I realise I was writing with. Where I sit now, I look at that version of myself with deep empathy, but obviously when I was there that was far from what I was feeling. It's nice to have gotten away from that cycle now to some extent, although it still exists within me of course. I'm glad this resonated!
"I needed to be more than what I was; that I was not enough."
That thread runs through so many of us who chased achievement to feel worthy. I recognize the elation of the validation and how quickly it drains away, asking to be earned again. What moves me is that you found your way out of it — from ambition to a boat, to knowing yourself again. That's the harder achievement, and almost the only one that stays.
Honest, vulnerable, precise… and delicate too. Beautifully written.
Thank you so much, and thank you for your question that catalysed this idea. I think I needed to write this.
Looking forward to how reading things developed. Will you be posting an instalment regularly?
Yes, the aim is to conclude the story over the next 1-2 posts!
Oof, this hit me hard. In a way it is comforting to know that I am not the only who continued to doubt myself no matter how much I achieved. Overall, it is simply saddening that so many people experience this and then spend years trying to recover from it. I am glad that you are now in a position where you can process what happened and start to move towards a more freeing life.
Thank you so much for this comment. Hearing that others felt similarly was the comfort that really helped kickstart my journey to recovering I think, sharing is such a powerful thing. I agree, it's sad how prevalent it is, how may of us feel this way, burn out, and struggle to find contentment. Thank you for being here!
Hey Alexander
Thanks for giving us this background.
I have a mixed relationship with ambition myself. I was certainly never driven, academically, and I cruised through University on autopilot, though in part that is because I was dealing with grief. My own energies have manifested in other ways.
I watch more highly motivated people with interest, some of them close family, wondering if it will prove healthy for them, or not. The results seem highly variable. We tend to think of life as a journey, and we seize on specific ideas of what the destination looks like - academic success, business success, financial success....
It's interesting that so many people reach a point where the perceived destination suddenly appears.... either elusive, or simply unsatisfying, or both, and then they embark on a literal journey, as you did with Kismet.
So I'm curious to know what you see as your new destination, or whether the journey itself has become the destination...
Best wishes
Dave :)
Thank you for this comment Dave. This line made me stop and think:
“It's interesting that so many people reach a point where the perceived destination suddenly appears.... either elusive, or simply unsatisfying, or both, and then they embark on a literal journey, as you did with Kismet.“
I’ve started noticing this more and more too, I don’t know if I notice it because it happened to me or because more people are realising it.
To answer your question about the destination now.. I think it’s transformed to being about the journey just as you say. About the connections and experiences and doing things that bring me closer to myself, to others and to nature. Things that enrich life, without putting all the emphasis on any specific outcome, or external achievement.
I’m curious how you look at it, through your writing I get the sense that it may be similar?
Hi Alex
Mmm, well, I would say the answer is yes. When I finished school, aged 17, I flew to the UK, worked in London for a while and then hitch hiked around Europe for the rest of my year away. It certainly gave me an early insight into the concept of journey.
I have been highly motivated at various times, but always for a specific cause. The posts listed on my Substack as "The Desert years" cover one such period, when I lived and worked with First Nation Aboriginal people in the deserts of Central Australia.
The work with my wonderful partner Meg to establish what is now our family business is another.
However, yes, I have always regarded those things as a journey, rather than as an end goal. Working and travelling and hunting with Warlpiri people in the Tanami Desert was simply fascinating, and at times arduous. The success of our business was necessary to avoid us being homeless, but rather than worry about that we just made it a fun and exciting thing to do, which motivated us to work ridiculously hard, and the success (fortunately) followed.
If the journey itself is the destination, then what counts is living in the moment, and accepting it for whatever beauty, joy or grief it may hold. The moment we are living in, and our memory of past such moments, is all we ever really have. I think/hope that this comes out in much of my writing. I would suggest this piece as an example:
https://davidkirkby.substack.com/p/there-will-be-a-sea?r=471m47
Best wishes
Dave
Thank you so much for sharing your journeys Dave, your perspective helps me understand my own a little better as well.
It's wonderful to have a project together with someone you love where you embrace the day-to-day journey of it rather than just pushing through misery for an end goal (even if that is sometimes part of the path as well).
This rings so true now (though I didn't always see it): "If the journey itself is the destination, then what counts is living in the moment, and accepting it for whatever beauty, joy or grief it may hold. The moment we are living in, and our memory of past such moments, is all we ever really have."
And it definitely shines through your writing. Thank you!
Always welcome, my friend. Your own journey seems wonderful!
Dave :)
I’m happy you’re sharing this story with us and can’t wait to read the next chapter. Cheers!
Must have taken a lot of courage to be this vulnerable, Alexander. But can I ask something? I really hope it doesn't offend you. Do you think that deep dark void that you were trying to fill, that refrain of "never enough" you kept hearing (in a manner of speaking) is still there? I mean, if that black hole isn't filled, or you don't find an alternative fuel to "not enough"- won't you fall right back into it?
Thanks Suravi, I think it's hit me after posting more than as I was writing, but it does leave you very exposed and vulnerable. It's also nice though to be able to be open and authentic and share these experiences.
Thank you for the deeply considered question, I'm not offended at all, rather the opposite, it is probably the most interesting and important question of all.
The most honest answer (and what I hope to explore a bit in the upcoming posts) is that some of that architecture is always part of my brain, but through therapy, practice, and taking notice of it, its influence is massively reduced. It'll still flare up, even in my writing sometimes, but it is a lot quieter, and infrequent these days. Does that make sense?
I don't know if you will ultimately find that peace. But the more I tried to reduce it's influence, the more miserable I became. The more I felt I had lost my essence.
It took me years of dedicated contemplation to realise what I needed was to understand how I came to have that deep void into which I poured limitless hard work and achievement. That dark void was my fuel. It took a lot of work to change the fuel type & then re-ignite my drive, focus, and love of achieving something difficult. Which made me feel a lot more like myself.
No idea if this is any use to you. But sometimes other people's words can become a vessel for our thoughts to distill into clarity.
This is a really valuable perspective, and I also recognise that lack of fuel making me feel without essence, that was how I felt for several years after leaving academia.
I really like the analogy of alternate fuel types though, and that’s where have landed now as well I think. I don’t know if I can exactly describe what the new fuel is, curiosity and wonder maybe? But I now feel like I can enjoy my ambition to do hard things like sailing, writing, boat maintenance powered by a fuel of curiosity and not to prove myself. Hopefully I’ll be able to express it a bit better in the future essays!
I look forward to reading it!
I relate to this so strongly (academic overachiever, people pleaser, Oxford grad, burned out/had a crisis aged 24 and had to rebuild my sense of self. Time in nature helped me a lot too!) Beautifully written - thank you for sharing this 💙
This is the magic of sharing a post like this, connecting with people who have been through similar experiences and feeling less alone in it as a consequence. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your own story!
Exactly 😊
The feeling of not being enough is something so many of us experience, yet despite the difficulties of those experiences, we're led in directions that enable us to more fully explore who we truly are and where we want to be. I used to use the term 'breakdown' until I read about positive disintegration and I knew that more fully described my path. It's a tough road to travel, but I do believe it's a road we're meant to be on. Looking forward to reading more about your journey.
Karen
Thank you, Karen. I have seen so many overlapping themes in your writing, I'm glad this resonated. I hadn't heard of positive disintegration before, but looking into it, it makes so much sense, it perfectly describes my path, and where this story is going next. It's really what I experienced at least once if not several times along the way.
"About to turn twenty, I felt like the world was at my feet and I really liked the feelings ambition gave me: the sense of importance and meaning. It felt good to fight and strive for something, an ideal, a vision – to achieve. Somewhere within me I had a certainty that that was how you became a person who could be respected, a person who deserved their place in the world."
These words take me straight back to my early twenties too. Beautifully articulated, Alexander. And my school didn't think I was smart enough to even try for Oxbridge - imagine what that did to my young ego! I feel your struggles. It has been a decades-long and messy journey for me to strip away all these external identities as well, yet what liberation lies within, and with the deep nature connection that brings us back to wholeness again. Riches beyond compare!
I'd never know you weren't English too, with your light touch and natural, poetic turn of phrase -- I admire your fluency in this complex second language. I look forward to the next instalment!
Thank you Saffron, I'm so happy this resonated. Through so many perspectives here on substack I'm realising it is a very common feeling.
It is a messy journey, but I love your word choice "liberation". That's really what it feels like on the other side. Unshackled from those pressures we (and others) put on ourselves.
Thank you for this deep, thoughtful comment, and for sharing your experience!
My pleasure! And yes, it's exactly that release of mental pressure that gives us a renewed sense of lightness, isn't it? I find it fascinating and reassuring that so many have needed and/or wanted to share their similar stories and wonderful that we've found our tiny corner of the internet here on Substack. Very special.
Thank you Erika, it's been cathartic to write about, and like you say, it's about honouring your inner being and that's what I discovered and write about in the follow up essays! Looking forward to reading your story as well!